So after having my monthly break down day, I think it is pretty safe to say that my mind is back to normal and there were some things that have changed in my mind that has altered my perspective on a number of subjects in life. Hell, today I am turning 26 years old... I gotta start thinking about me and where the hell I am going in this crazy world.
For one thing, I think I am/was getting a little too involved into matters that do not concern me. If there is anything I should have learned is that people will always look out for number one: themselves. It would be stupid and foolish to believe we'd all stand up and back up other people, be it friends or co-workers. That sounds cruel doesn't it? But to expect everyone to back each other up is just setting yourself up to get angry over things outside of your control. Or in my case, outside of my control.
And I suppose with the way the world is nowadays, no one can really risk their jobs, regardless of how shitty the job might be or whatever the circumstances are.
My conclusion? While it sucks that seemingly nice people are getting fired, I cannot allow that to negatively affect me and my life. I just don't have the space to accommodate such things and trying to do so will only bring me down and that just ain't cool. So I'm just going to have to re-double my efforts and try and keep my head down and do the work in front of me as best as I can and hope for the best.
One consistent factor so far this year has been us (my girlfriend and I) with our backs to the wall. It has just been one thing after another and it just sucks! I don't know how else to say it other then it just flat out sucks right now. But what else can we do with these cards that have been dealt to us? I know the truth of the matter is a lot of our present hardships have everything to do with the fact that we just did not make smart choices and the effects of those are just dropping on our heads one after another.
The best solution my simple little brain can think up? We've already made the bad choices, so how we've just gotta weather the storm and just keep pushing forward. I just can't think of any other way of dealing with these things then just to keep going forward and keeping the hope that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel.
I know its life and we all must endure through tough times, but I gotta say this... sucks having to grow up. Which is kind of funny in a way, I mean considering how I know I spent my fair share of time thinking about how great it would be to leave home and do things my way and not having to listen to how things should be, etc, etc.
But having gotten here and spending the better part of the last 5 years slowly going further and further down the drain has opened my eyes to some serious truth: It sure as hell ain't easy, this growing up and life stuff. There is no amount of lectures and nothing in any school that can ever really prepare you for the reality of things.
If I could travel back to the past, I know the one thing I would do is find myself and slap myself stupid. Or maybe slap myself smart and just tell me to make better choices from the get go. I mean with knowledge like that, who knows what today would have been like?
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Unsure
Yes I am unsure of life yet again folks and this year has been nothing but a roller coaster ride of crazy. Has that helped my current state of mind at all? Well it has only served to push my brain into a state of confusion, I think. Maybe confusion isn't really the right word for what I am feeling right now. Frustration maybe...
The only thing that bothers me is the feeling like I am not making the kind of progress in life like I should be. I mean I am relatively happy with the way my life is, but I just feel like that there might be more to this yet. What am I growing increasingly tired of is having to work for people who just don't make any sense. Add in the glaring lack of direction, purpose and I think we've got the cake there.
And how do you respond to a boss that walks in and basically tells you whatever work you've done, is absolute shit? It ain't right, it ain't good and guess what? I'll be back real soon to be sure you don't forget that point. I mean I know I could have taken the low road and responded with a suggestion pertaining to taking a certain job position and where might be a ideal place to stick it. But I am one of the many that is desperately in need of keeping this craptacular job, so that plan wouldn't exactly be a bright "career" move.
Maybe what this is is work place politics at it's most lethal form. People throwing their weight around always bothers me. I don't like bosses who only know how to talk, especially when things are down and a leader is needed. I just hate it when a boss will just sit down and bark out orders, rather then jumping in and taking charge of the situation. Work with the peons for fuck's sake! You don't like the way something is, fine. Talk to your people and explain what's wrong and what it is you expect. Hell, listen to what the person has to say and take it from there. Do you need to talk down to everyone? Do you have to make it out like they are all scum that just ain't doing shit for your company?
Or even a supervisor or even a department manager. If your workers missed something or isn't up to par, TALK. Speak the hell up!! How the fuck does it help anyone to NOT talk to the person in question and instead, go behind the person's back and talk shit about them? And since we're at it, if you hate a person or dislike their work so goddamn much, FIRE THEM ALREADY. Don't just drag them through the mud and fucking call them a stupid piece of shit everyday.
How does that kinds of things help steer a company back onto the right track? A people person, these people are not. And just thinking about all of this makes me wonder aloud to myself: What kind of people am I working for exactly?!
And just reading the things that I just wrote proves to me what I was afraid of from the start: I've fallen into that hole, that place where people fall into and just burn themselves out with all of this toxic thoughts. Now don't get me wrong, I tried to make it a point to steer clear of this sort of nonsense, but how do you dodge what comes straight for you? I can't dodge mountains unfortunately and now I'm buried under a ton of bullshit that is driving me insane.
I thought I would be out of this hell by now, but it seems that my lack of a college education has come back to haunt me. Then again, I cannot afford to take classes and the goddamn financial aid system is one of the biggest fucking jokes I've ever seen.
Gah! I'm getting off track with this mindless rage and I'm only pissing myself off more as I am going. Ranting and raving helps my mental state on some days, but today it did not. Great...
The only thing that bothers me is the feeling like I am not making the kind of progress in life like I should be. I mean I am relatively happy with the way my life is, but I just feel like that there might be more to this yet. What am I growing increasingly tired of is having to work for people who just don't make any sense. Add in the glaring lack of direction, purpose and I think we've got the cake there.
And how do you respond to a boss that walks in and basically tells you whatever work you've done, is absolute shit? It ain't right, it ain't good and guess what? I'll be back real soon to be sure you don't forget that point. I mean I know I could have taken the low road and responded with a suggestion pertaining to taking a certain job position and where might be a ideal place to stick it. But I am one of the many that is desperately in need of keeping this craptacular job, so that plan wouldn't exactly be a bright "career" move.
Maybe what this is is work place politics at it's most lethal form. People throwing their weight around always bothers me. I don't like bosses who only know how to talk, especially when things are down and a leader is needed. I just hate it when a boss will just sit down and bark out orders, rather then jumping in and taking charge of the situation. Work with the peons for fuck's sake! You don't like the way something is, fine. Talk to your people and explain what's wrong and what it is you expect. Hell, listen to what the person has to say and take it from there. Do you need to talk down to everyone? Do you have to make it out like they are all scum that just ain't doing shit for your company?
Or even a supervisor or even a department manager. If your workers missed something or isn't up to par, TALK. Speak the hell up!! How the fuck does it help anyone to NOT talk to the person in question and instead, go behind the person's back and talk shit about them? And since we're at it, if you hate a person or dislike their work so goddamn much, FIRE THEM ALREADY. Don't just drag them through the mud and fucking call them a stupid piece of shit everyday.
How does that kinds of things help steer a company back onto the right track? A people person, these people are not. And just thinking about all of this makes me wonder aloud to myself: What kind of people am I working for exactly?!
And just reading the things that I just wrote proves to me what I was afraid of from the start: I've fallen into that hole, that place where people fall into and just burn themselves out with all of this toxic thoughts. Now don't get me wrong, I tried to make it a point to steer clear of this sort of nonsense, but how do you dodge what comes straight for you? I can't dodge mountains unfortunately and now I'm buried under a ton of bullshit that is driving me insane.
I thought I would be out of this hell by now, but it seems that my lack of a college education has come back to haunt me. Then again, I cannot afford to take classes and the goddamn financial aid system is one of the biggest fucking jokes I've ever seen.
Gah! I'm getting off track with this mindless rage and I'm only pissing myself off more as I am going. Ranting and raving helps my mental state on some days, but today it did not. Great...
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Too Bad
While I will make it no secret that I am not that into online gaming, I have had some curiosity into MMOs. But with a rather basic PC, a vast majority of these games are well out of my reach. So I am generally happy to hear whenever a potential MMO is announced for a console system as that means I'll finally get to try out something that isn't Final Fantasy XI.
For example, Champions Online.
I was a little disappointed when the PC version of this game released and the console game was delayed indefinitely. But I had hope! I had hope that the game would come through and everything was going to be OK!
How naive of me...
So now I have been reading all about how the developers (Cryptic) want to focus solely on the PC version and will no longer be porting their MMO to any console. So after reading about the game, getting a little hyped up about it, then waiting after it's delay and now seeing it all but dead, I say this:
Too bad. Too bad for the developers.
Why so? Here I am, likely amongst many, who would have mindlessly threw money at this game and now we shall not. I suppose MMOs on consoles are not the biggest money making plan a game developer can come up with, but whatever. I suppose I shall just save that money and throw it at Final Fantasy XIV later this year.
Speaking of interests, here is a little something I read about today that has gotten my attention.
Apparently Persona 5 is being developed and there is potential that it could arrive on the current generation of systems (at last!). Now I admit that the only Persona game I ever played was the original, and that the last few games in the series, while I've heard a lot of great things about (more about this in a second), I never ever played any of them.
Now as for the reason why I never picked this up? I blame that solely on a game named Odin Sphere. That was what killed RPGs for me on PS2 for a good long time and generally the reason why I stopped playing RPGs for a few years thereafter. I mean I believed the hype and I bought these so called "truths" that this game was just that damn awesome.
And the truth is, the only absolute thing that came to my mind was it was an absolute mistake on my part when I wasted money on this. While I understand that not all games are for everyone, this one just made me sick.
So I've kind of made it a point to not just jump up and buy every game I think looks even remotely interesting. While it is true that I still do that sometimes, I am far, far more weary about what I am throwing my money at these days.
Last thoughts go to a couple of movies I've seen recently; Ponyo and Law Abiding Citizen.
Let's start with Law Abiding Citizen....
The previews for this movie did wonders at making this one seem so very interesting and suspenseful. And you know what? It is just that for almost the entirety of the movie. It kept me guessing, it kept me wondering who would die next and how. And it also kept me wondering why did it get rated down so badly?
My answer came during the final 10-15 minutes of the movie. And I just want to throw out the warning now, if you've not seen this movie yet and plan to, I am about to spoil the ending so stop and skip down if so! -SPOILER ALERT!!!-
Now Gerald Butler's character is supposed to be this insane genius of a tactician. He is setting up all of these people who he feels is cancerous and he intends on purging them all since he feels the justice system is broken. Jamie Foxx's character is basically the guy who helps create this madman, all because he feared losing his near perfect conviction rating and so he strikes a deal with one of the men who murdered and raped Butler's character's wife and murders his daughter as well.
Anyway, Butler's character has everyone on edge throughout the movie and even I began to feel like there was just no goddamn way Jamie Foxx's character would walk out of these traps alive in the end.
But what happens? Even after all of Jamie Foxx's colleagues die, he manages to get himself promoted anyway. And Gerald Butler's character's plot gets exposed so stupidly easy, it made me sick. For the whole time, it was a belief that Butler's character had help on the outside when in fact, he had none. He had secretly dug tunnels into all of the cells in solitary confinement and was using these tunnels to sneak out and execute these people.
How did they find out about these tunnels? Foxx's character traces back money used to buy these apparently random properties and finds these tunnels. Then through that, they see a bunch of screens that show off his next target in detail. They go after Butler's character, miss him, but finds his bomb hidden so stupidly in a plain briefcase that I believed that that was a plant. A trick!
But no...
No... no tricks that time and the tables were turned just like that. The tactician was not outsmarted, he apparently just didn't really plan all that far ahead as it was made out to be. And how does it all end? Foxx takes the bomb, plants it in Butler's character's cell and tells him to make a choice. Butler's character chooses to blow 'em all up! But guess what? He learns where they put the bomb as both Foxx and his sole surviving helper (a cop) seal him in his cell as he is killed by his very own bomb.
Just thinking about this and writing it out helps bring to the surface a lot of bitterness towards what was a pretty good movie. Bah... I wasted 320 points on my Xbox for this crap...
As for Ponyo? I think I wrote enough for now. I suppose I shall save this one for next time around. For now, I will just have to leave this blog a bitter individual...
For example, Champions Online.
I was a little disappointed when the PC version of this game released and the console game was delayed indefinitely. But I had hope! I had hope that the game would come through and everything was going to be OK!
How naive of me...
So now I have been reading all about how the developers (Cryptic) want to focus solely on the PC version and will no longer be porting their MMO to any console. So after reading about the game, getting a little hyped up about it, then waiting after it's delay and now seeing it all but dead, I say this:
Too bad. Too bad for the developers.
Why so? Here I am, likely amongst many, who would have mindlessly threw money at this game and now we shall not. I suppose MMOs on consoles are not the biggest money making plan a game developer can come up with, but whatever. I suppose I shall just save that money and throw it at Final Fantasy XIV later this year.
Speaking of interests, here is a little something I read about today that has gotten my attention.
Apparently Persona 5 is being developed and there is potential that it could arrive on the current generation of systems (at last!). Now I admit that the only Persona game I ever played was the original, and that the last few games in the series, while I've heard a lot of great things about (more about this in a second), I never ever played any of them.
Now as for the reason why I never picked this up? I blame that solely on a game named Odin Sphere. That was what killed RPGs for me on PS2 for a good long time and generally the reason why I stopped playing RPGs for a few years thereafter. I mean I believed the hype and I bought these so called "truths" that this game was just that damn awesome.
And the truth is, the only absolute thing that came to my mind was it was an absolute mistake on my part when I wasted money on this. While I understand that not all games are for everyone, this one just made me sick.
So I've kind of made it a point to not just jump up and buy every game I think looks even remotely interesting. While it is true that I still do that sometimes, I am far, far more weary about what I am throwing my money at these days.
Last thoughts go to a couple of movies I've seen recently; Ponyo and Law Abiding Citizen.
Let's start with Law Abiding Citizen....
The previews for this movie did wonders at making this one seem so very interesting and suspenseful. And you know what? It is just that for almost the entirety of the movie. It kept me guessing, it kept me wondering who would die next and how. And it also kept me wondering why did it get rated down so badly?
My answer came during the final 10-15 minutes of the movie. And I just want to throw out the warning now, if you've not seen this movie yet and plan to, I am about to spoil the ending so stop and skip down if so! -SPOILER ALERT!!!-
Now Gerald Butler's character is supposed to be this insane genius of a tactician. He is setting up all of these people who he feels is cancerous and he intends on purging them all since he feels the justice system is broken. Jamie Foxx's character is basically the guy who helps create this madman, all because he feared losing his near perfect conviction rating and so he strikes a deal with one of the men who murdered and raped Butler's character's wife and murders his daughter as well.
Anyway, Butler's character has everyone on edge throughout the movie and even I began to feel like there was just no goddamn way Jamie Foxx's character would walk out of these traps alive in the end.
But what happens? Even after all of Jamie Foxx's colleagues die, he manages to get himself promoted anyway. And Gerald Butler's character's plot gets exposed so stupidly easy, it made me sick. For the whole time, it was a belief that Butler's character had help on the outside when in fact, he had none. He had secretly dug tunnels into all of the cells in solitary confinement and was using these tunnels to sneak out and execute these people.
How did they find out about these tunnels? Foxx's character traces back money used to buy these apparently random properties and finds these tunnels. Then through that, they see a bunch of screens that show off his next target in detail. They go after Butler's character, miss him, but finds his bomb hidden so stupidly in a plain briefcase that I believed that that was a plant. A trick!
But no...
No... no tricks that time and the tables were turned just like that. The tactician was not outsmarted, he apparently just didn't really plan all that far ahead as it was made out to be. And how does it all end? Foxx takes the bomb, plants it in Butler's character's cell and tells him to make a choice. Butler's character chooses to blow 'em all up! But guess what? He learns where they put the bomb as both Foxx and his sole surviving helper (a cop) seal him in his cell as he is killed by his very own bomb.
Just thinking about this and writing it out helps bring to the surface a lot of bitterness towards what was a pretty good movie. Bah... I wasted 320 points on my Xbox for this crap...
As for Ponyo? I think I wrote enough for now. I suppose I shall save this one for next time around. For now, I will just have to leave this blog a bitter individual...
Saturday, March 20, 2010
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