I don't know what it is, but I feel it in my bones that change is direly needed. Perhaps it is the constant hardships that have bombarded themselves upon us this year? Or maybe it is the feeling like we're (my girlfriend and I) are doing nothing but growing older and we've either gotta make something happen here and now or we're going to spend the rest of our lives in shit. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for having a roof over my head and I know there are a great many that do not have that much. But something has gotta give, you know?
It is funny in a way, how life works itself out and all of that. Back when I was in high school, my step dad said a lot of things to me. Some of it I didn't listen, but then there is a great deal that I did and while it took many years, a lot of that stuff actually stuck with me. Since the day I left home back in 2002, though it may not appear so, I have always tried to be sure that the steps I take in life are forward in progress, even if only ever so slightly.
Above all else though, is not so much as what I want to be in life that is becoming so important to me. Some how it has gotten down to all the things I don't want to be that is meaning much more. Such as I don't want to be the guy that is in his mid thirties, still working at a grocery store (having been there for damn near all of my adult life) and just complaining about how life is so unfair. I also don't want to be the guy that claims to have dreams and aspirations, yet reaches out for absolutely none of them. And I surely don't want to be the guy whom seeming has the world handed to him, yet does not take advantage of the opportunities before him. I did that a time or two in my short lifetime and the next one that pops up, I do not intent to let it slip away again.
I don't really know nor do I pretend to understand why this subject surfaced in my mind. I know I have gotten to this point a lot of times during the lifetime of my blog and I am sure I will return to this state of mind a great many more times before my life ends. Maybe the purpose of me writing all of this out is to remind myself that I need to get my ass in gear and start moving again. I have reached the point at my job where I feel like I have hit the ceiling and I cannot ascend any higher. To be perfectly honest, I think I reached that point a couple of years ago. Now I am only just going through the motions and collecting that pay check. Worst of all is I do not feel content anymore and even the smallest of nuisances are beginning to bother me now.
Probably the biggest lesson I've learned in the past few years is the hardest thing to do is to let go, especially when one has become comfortable and complacent with one's position. I suppose that last line is all the truth I need to make a choice: I think it is truly the right time to move on.
With this frame of mind, I think even the changes I've made to the appearance of my blog serves a greater purpose; I have to stop just living day by day and start looking at the bigger picture. I know it is the easiest thing in the world for me to just sit here and type away all of these thoughts and goals and what not. I've done this before and I haven't really done much of anything that I set out to do.
I guess what I'm really trying to tell myself is this: Time to grow up! Or stay where I am and be here for the rest of my life. I could do that, but that isn't fair at all to myself or more importantly, my girlfriend. Hell, I don't want her to be my girlfriend for the rest of my or her life. Giving it all some real thought here, I think girlfriends are for grade school and the like. But being a 25 year old guy and having been with this girl for 8 years already? I think she should be my wife already, huh?
But I will save that thought about her for next time perhaps. I've already got a lot to process further and to see where those trains of thought take me.
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